I don’t know that words can truly capture what I want to type tonight. I intend to write about my journey back to God soon but tonight I felt I had to quickly capture what just took place in my life. It is a Monday night but it is not a basic Monday night. It’s a New Beginning, A New Day, A Clean Slate, A Fresh Start, A Renewed Spirit, and A Renewed Mind.
I went into a service with a desire to hear from God. I’ve been talking to him for quite some time now and struggling with some long term garbage that I have been carrying around. God has been bringing me back to him at a rapid pace. My thoughts have been changing, my mind has been changing, my wants and desires have been changing. Years of mental baggage has been moving out of my mind. My faith has been growing and this new sense of peace has been moving into my mind.
Though all of these great things have been happening I still had this desire to feel a change. Not just any change but a BOLD change. I needed to have a day that I knew was THE day. The day God sealed the deal on the day we were officially back on track. I have wrestled with this mental hangup for a long time now. I have plenty of days logged into my memory, my calendar, and in my journal but they just didn’t feel like THE DAY.
Monday, January 11, 2015, it happened. I talked to God all day and I felt him with me strongly all day. I boldly said please Lord speak to me. I even felt guilty at some points because I thought about all the times he had spoken to me and I didn’t listen. At one point I even thought if he never spoke to me again then I’m still blessed because he died for my sins. That alone was enough and how dare me to ask for more.
Tonight, something wonderful happened. I went to an altar and let the Lord speak to me. Pride tried holding me back. I felt embarrassed. I thought – well God has talked to me enough, I’m good , I don’t need to go upfront to the altar. No, I walked out of my comfort zone and went to an altar and raised my hands.
Why would I ever be ashamed to praise the Lord? Why would I ever be ashamed of the hot tears rolling down my cheeks? I’m not ashamed. I’m healed, redeemed, made new.