12 Jul 2018

Creatively Misunderstood

A couple of weeks ago on my Instagram stories, I talked about how I often feel creatively misunderstood. I didn’t mean it as a whine fest. I just meant that is how I feel. I feel like a creative person and most people don’t understand me. That’s it. Then I got to thinking, I can’t be the only creative who feels misunderstood. So I’m going to talk about it a bit more and I hope someone reads and can relate. Or perhaps no one will get what I’m talking about (joking).

I think deeply, I feel on a deep level, and I love beautiful words. I could write you a love poem and wow your heart, I could bring you to tears through beautiful words, or leave you scratching your head because the words are something only I could understand. I’m creative but I’m not creatively great at anything really.

I dabble in a bunch of creative stuff like blogging, writing, photography, history, etc. I love the mystery of most everything around me. I like to know the ins, outs, ups, downs, and why of everything from a building to a story. Recently, I visited the West Baden Hotel near French Lick Casino, and I spend two days reading about the history because I was so curious. I love the mystery and history of everything from the Great Lakes to the Casino.

I’m a romantic at heart. Hopelessly wrapped-up in the beauty and pain of the past and the pleasure and hope of the future. I’ll listen to a song on repeat for days because I feel the lyrics. Even though all of these things are part of me I am often emotionally reserved. What does that mean? I’ll try to explain.

I don’t like to cry and especially in front of people. I don’t really like for people to comfort me because it makes me feel awkward but at the same time give a girl some comfort ok. I guess I don’t like “feel Sorry for me” attention on me but I still require comfort. Maybe I’m a houseplant. One of those plants that need some water and sun but not too much, just the right amount.

I don’t like to look weak, like my life is flawed, or I’m an emotional mess. I want to be soft with a tough foundation. I need love and comfort but in order to thrive, I need strength. Sometimes I crave the strength of my husband and need to feel his strong arms around me. His strength brings me balance. I’m not ashamed to say I’m a woman who needs the strength of a man in my life. I’ve been married three times. Just saying, single prob ain’t my jam. I need to feel like a woman, it’s just my nature.

So basically, even though I’m a softy you may not be able to fully tell because I look like I’m fine when I’m not. I’m strong but I’m soft. I’m kind but I struggle to express how I feel. I’m a soft-hearted woman who is also tough. Don’t hug me when I’m upset because I’ll cry my face off but also please hug me because I want to feel the comfort. I’ll suck those tears up fast because crying swells my eyes shut. I’m a soft and tough womanly mix.

I think about other people all of the time, I carry guilt, worry, and I want the best for people but I don’t actually express that outside of my own mind enough. At least I don’t feel like I do. This weirdness in my personality is what I think leads to me feeling creatively misunderstood.

I write personal and motivational posts and I try to express my soft side but I wonder if those around me understand what I’m saying. To be honest, I feel embarrassed when those who know me read my posts. It’s a mix of  “don’t look at me because I’m embarrassed” feelings. Because of my weird embarrassed feelings I probably make it hard for family and friends to understand me. Who knows.

Even though I feel creatively misunderstood, I still write, blog, say awkward sweet things to people, etc. I don’t plan to quit because expressing myself creatively feels therapeutic in a way. Once again, this is so hard to explain and my creatively misunderstood self just tried so hard to write it out. Ah, what a beautiful thing it is to be human because we each are so very different.  So, do you feel me?

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