In a previous post, I wrote about the miraculous changes that have been occurring in my life. This post is the story of how I arrived at the point of a miraculous change.
What a journey I have been on for the past several months. It all started over the summer when some health events brought me worry and anxiety. I was praying my typical prayers. I had been praying the same prayers for days, months, weeks, and years. The same prayers that were intended to soothe my fears but these prayers did not soothe my anxiety. I was praying what I wanted to pray and I was not listening to God at all. I felt exhausted, let down, hopeless, and helpless. I felt every emotion that you never want to feel. How could I be growing in my walk with God in this state? I knew I wasn’t growing. I doubted my salvation, I doubted my purpose I doubted if I was fixable. I was just hanging around in my brokenness. I was stagnant and stuck. I had trapped my thoughts into a circle that I couldn’t get out of.
I couldn’t go to church because I would find something wrong with the church, the people, the practices, the music. I had work to do on Sunday. I was tired. I had a headache. It was raining. everyone there was fake anyway. People would judge me. I had 101 excuses piled floor to ceiling. My heart wanted more but my mind limited me. I wanted my life on track but I wouldn’t move. It was as though I expected God to speak directly to me. Which is a ridiculous expectation.
Due to the health fears, I had over the summer I started praying with more urgency. I began to realize that life was short and I was taking every good thing around me for granted. I was hungry and knew I needed to change. I decided that I was going to go to church. I decided not only was I going to church, I was going to go to only one church and I was going to stay in that church no matter what. If I didn’t like it I was still going to continue going. I was going to stay at that church until I liked it. If I found a flaw I was going to stay there no matter what. I was going to press against my stagnant thinking.
I started praying about the issues I was scared of and listening to God and to the sermons at church. Surrounding myself with things that were of God began to motivate my mind. Slowly my mind started changing. I started to realize this walk with God is so much more. It is about my children, my family, my loved ones, this is about their souls not just my soul. This walk I’m on is not a selfish walk. It’s a walk that is about both me and the people I touch as well.
What a beautiful journey it is to serve the Lord. Oh, what needless burdens we carry when we should simply take them to the Lord. The more I surround myself with things that are of the Lord the more I want to talk to God. This walk does not mean I will be perfect. It means I’m aware of where I was in life and where I want to be. My goal is Heaven and to positively touch as many lives as I can on my journey there.